Tell me I don't have to go. Please do. I don't want to go. I don't want to see the two of them in the same room again, I don't want her asking me who has been over here, I don't want to make a report, I don't want to lie. I don't need this. I don't need her. She will be so angry and it will hurt me. I want to fast forward a little to make it over. I want her gone. Out of my life. For good. 10 months still I'm somewhat free. 10 months. But I have this in two days. I don't want to see her. She won't even bring my baby brother over to ease the pain. It'll be just us, in the way we aren't supposed to be. I don't want this. I actually feel bad for her, that she doesn't know. She knows absolutely nothing and when she finds out... it'll be hell. My father will have to take all the blame, it was him of course who didn't tell her, the other parent that their daughter was still sick and harming herself. Social workers... Fuck the social workers.
October 2010
The snow is melting again. The backyard of our building is a white-and-green mess. All the apple trees they once planted are crooked and half-eaten by rabbits. School is nightmare, I feel very unintelligent at the moment. I can't work with my native language anymore, I am forgetting it. I've scared several teachers with my condition, one of them took me to see the school nurse because I broke down crying during class and she didn't think I should be alone. I need a therapist. Fast. I know for a fact now that if more wounds appear on my skin, another skin I love will copy. Porcelain cut in half. I don't want that.
I am wondering how things went into this state again. I actually don't know my voice anymore, it sounds darker, deeper to me than usual. We're moving in a bit, which is good and will hopefully brighten my eyes a little with new surroundings to explore. Not much will change but it will be enough to keep me alive. It is funny how my life revolves around a bunch of pills now... Why don't you just fucking shove 'em down all at once so I won't have to swallow or taste the white little circles? If you intend to see what's wrong with me, please sedate me first. I bite... deep.
I'm crawling down your neck,
With nails of white and blue
I am inside of you,
All over your tortured skin
But this time, sweetie, I'm talking.
It isn't the way we breathe
When the conversation begins to fade
Into dry sentences and short words
Of denial.
The mark is in your mind,
The stain I left inside you,
Black and velvet streaks
Decorate the surface
Of your lungs.
I sank my teeth into your skull
So deep it hurts me more than you,
And I cringe as my fangs are cut in half.
To this day I remain silent,
A doll you carry around in your purse,
The perfect little mannequin of a daughter
You once lost.
Foreign blades bleed down my hair,
They bleed out of my skull
Even though you never had the chance
To hit my head on the ground.
I stitch it up with the same thread
I've used for years now,
Those little intakes of breath you give me,
Those excuses that let me sleep for a bit more,
The words that escaped your lips
When you were still someone I loved.
I feel so sick right now. So sick I want to choke so I won't have to breathe this air in. It's too cold in here. Too cold and yesterday I was happy. I can't feel my toes now. Haven't felt them since yesterday. I don't belong in this weak little person. I'm happy. Yes, I'm happy. I want it so bad it makes me happy when I'm miserable. I'm a little insane now. I've slept too much but right now that'll all I want to do. I want to sleep a dreamless sleep. I want silence. Your silence. Stay.
Lean into the screen
Make those lips move for me
Speak out, dear.
S c r e a m.
Do your eyes ache like mine do?
The glass electrifies my head
It sends a spark, a floating frame
Of gold, of dust, of lead...
The desire has spread,
AND IT TANGLES UP MY HAIR
Speak out for me, dear
Scream into the air.
We're still quite young.
Don't you dare.
You've ripped it all off
Withered and aware.
Stay awake.
It turned out again I haven't changed at all,
These things, they have my hands shaking,
I am looking for the door, looking for the door
Trying to keep myself awake.
Because in my mind this is all an orb,
A hollow metallic engine that runs on glass
I shove it in with both hands,
And I stumble against the wall, against the wall.
Done with the pain they give me, the lights
Only time will have more than two hands to help me
Lonesome are the red things we push inside our chests
Lonesome is the heart that runs on glass, runs on glass
You chose to save me from them, the red things that crawl inside
From the pain I wanted to hide,
When you turned on the lights.
You turned on the lights.
So... Still no snow. I've been so lazy, I have a lot of stuff to do and and it's Friday night already. And I'm hungry. Isn't this great? I'm not good at studying anymore, my head is full of this matter that seems a bit fluffy. At least it does its job in confusing me and distracting me. Maybe it's just an excuse I've created for being lazy and hanging out with these green birds of mine which, still, like to float about in my dreams with drowning people this time, in a slimy, thick resemblance of water. I'm falling in love with this band...
For making me listen to this...
Something is badly wrong with me again. I can't do anything. All I do is sleep half of the day, only half of the night, playing catch with my vampire, exposing myself but then feeling bad and closing the window, signing out. I don't want to upset strangers, even. I don't want to upset anyone. Even when I'm the one who ends up coiled up like a little bug. I'm twisted. I'm so fucking twisted. There was someone in my bed last night and nobody noticed. She's back. I didn't want to notice. She wants to take me away. I fear I might say yes. The snow has melted now, so has the little icing that had formed upon my shivering mind. I don't need medication, I don't need pills. I just need you to hold me and tell me you'll be here, so that there will be one person in the world who wishes to know me, all of me, the weird, the senseless, the insane bits included. And the physique my mind controls. I can't take my mind off you, never. Never.
So last night I dreamt of green birds made of paper. They flew around me in circles, as if examining me, only... they had no eyes but instead a little hole in the middle of their faces where their beaks were supposed to be, a black light shone from deep within their heads, casting shadows upon my skin. The shadows were warm, it felt as though they were slowly healing me. And in the darkness that I was standing, the darkness that was white, the birds seemed like good memories, like friends. One of the birds flew over to me and sat down on my palm and let me look inside its head through the little hole. And I saw its soul...
I strive to be honest these days, so I don't pick up the phone. I do not want to lie to you so I decide not to talk. I want to protect you so I don't touch you at all, I don't even let my eyes rest upon your body. I guess I love you but a part of me doesn't. A part of me wants you dead.
My madness has gotten worse, it seems. I keep seeing people around me when no one's there, someone staring at me from behind a corner so that I can only see some of their face. I want to cherish this. And I am telling no one. Except you, you whose eyes are skipping back and forth on these words. I guess one way of saying it is that I don't want to be healthy again, I don't want to heal. I need one part of me to be ill so that I don't feel normal. I hate normal.
So she said,
As she lay in my bed,
Tangled in the sheets.
My creature of darkness
Was a little girl,
Whose eyes made the whole world
Turn blind for a second.
She fed on my fear
As I watched her walk,
Up and down the crook of my arm,
Leaving a pattern, a circle
From which I began to bleed.
She knew what I needed,
And still she made me beg
For just another shot,
Just another bruise,
Just a little blood crawling down my leg.
My creature lived inside my heart,
Just a little cell within my core,
But still it had the ability to run,
Run and hurt me a little more.
It is the mind that creates the pain,
The single drop of water upon my eyelid,
A sweet little lie that buries itself
Within a single grain
Of sand.
Shut the blinds
The way you shut the door,
Closing it, inch by inch
Until the little bits of light
Turn into something dark
I'm straining to see
The pieces of your soul
Those you let outside,
And those that remain hidden.
In this fog I feel you breathing
Into my heart.
I am a faded monster,
The liar that bites her tongue
My fangs too sharp for smiling.
Don't you think that in the sun
I would finally melt into something
That resembles the melting of a stone,
A gem?
We can chase it together,
The darkness that lies within the blind
And the mute,
Shine upon me with eyes of bright red anger,
So I can finally start to feel afraid of you.
Because right now, my teeth are sinking into you
I am holding on even when I make you bleed
You don't see me, don't feel me
But still you look in my eyes with such kindess
That has the power to stop my heart,
The machine that needed some of that guilt to work,
The machine that for now,
Has frozen in place just for you.
I am a fading monster,
The liar whose tongue is bleeding,
My fangs hurt me,
But I will always smile when you're here.
Time is getting too slow now, still too fast. It's been two hours but it feels like days. It's been two days and it feels like years. I'm abandonded, I abandoned myself. Now I see the truth again, I see the other girl. I see too much. I hear too much. I feel too much. And now I'm breaking. I haven't cut but still everything hurts. I want to eat but I can't, I want to sleep, all I want to do is sleep it all away. Sleep till everything is alright again. But there is no again. I don't remember the again. Don't call me. I won't pick up the phone for you.
We live our lives in a glass
Waiting for it to pass,
The dark liquid they spill on us.
I guess I should have gone,
I should have protected you.
Now it's too late,
This was a mistake.
Because at the rim,
It all goes dim
And the escape seems impossible.
So we float,
Downwards to the floor,
Until all we breathe is liquid
And until this is all just a sparkling drop of water,
Consuming our lungs.
We lived our lives in a glass,
Waiting for it to pass,
The dark liquid they spilled inside
And when the glass filled up,
It was impossible to hide
So we drank it all up
And then we died.
A tunnel
I dig a tunnel,
From underwater,
From underground.
Severed dreams of glory
Tell another story,
As I bury myself in the ground
That lies around
Me.
You decided to kill me
With a shovel instead,
Took my head off,
Made a memory
Made a memory
And then took me to bed,
Wearing my head.
Now all that is left is the pain
That I felt when it rained
And the thick cloud of smoke
That fell as we spoke.
Monster Ball tonight <3 Just taught my 1-year-old little brother how to say Gaga. I was bored, he learned a new word, I wasn't bored anymore, neither was he. There's no snow over here, southern part of the country =( But the leaves are pretty...
So it's October and it's snowing already *jumps around excitedly like a little kid*... Though I'm thinking it might melt over the next few days but doesn't matter, makes me happy anyways :] ALSO. I'm going to the Monster Ball tomorrow <3 *jumps around again* I cannot wait. Wait... why are the blinds closed when it's snowing?! *opens blinds* Okkay, that's better.
Somehow this happiness has spread into my hair 'cause it's really messed up. I've two weeks off school now, I have work to do at home as well, but still it'll be a bit more peaceful. And even though I've hit a wall again I feel I have the strength to climb over it, maybe even to tear it down. I'll get there. My wounds are healing, even though the newest on my wrist is still one that worries me, it has turned into this brown shade with red dots around it and it hurts when I touch it. And yes I made it. Insanity is a sweet thing, isn't it? It makes life a lot more interesting. Because right now it looks like I've a hole in my wrist, a secret door from which it all can escape now without my getting hurt. I swear I can almost see it, see the words floating out of the skin...
Okay. Enough of wounds now.
I'm hungry...
If I fell in love with you, would you understand me dear?
Love is weird. The world seems a little smaller today. Typical for me, really. So tonight I'll try and dream of good things instead of horrible ones, I need my inspiration, not the haunted kind this time. Waking up early so I know I'll wake up in the middle of a dream. We finally got a good offer on this goddamn apartment. It was really getting too ghostly. A bit too late to run away --- but I guess it's the only chance now. My heart is getting a bit too tired. I don't need any more ghosts to govern me. Candy won't make me sweet. So stop buying me things, stop giving me money. I need nothing now. Nothingness sounds good enough. It feels good when I have enough physical wounds to heal, self-inflicted may seem the case but the truth lies within my knife. Sleep. Sleep. Sleep.
The second-class journey
To a liar's mind,
I used the ticket to paint on.
I painted her in.
Crumbs of dignity
Upon the tip of my tongue,
I flipped it over and ruined it all,
I kept it in.
Mountains of frost
Race past us and our train
Sugarcoated acts of madness,
Caged within.
The second-class journey
To a liar's mind,
I used the ticket to paint on.
I painted us in.
And then it began to rain.
And underneath the paint
I saw you, my lovely.
The dirty little girl,
The princess trapped within
The glass was full to the rim,
As we took our sip.
Blood-stained kisses,
Upon my skin
As the pieces of my ticket fall in my lap.
I suppose I'm ready now.
You may begin.
So I drew a line,
In italics and in an indigo shade,
Into the the area between my eyes,
And for a moment, I became blind.
For a moment I let it linger,
The paint seeped through
My fingers as I pressed my hands against the glass,
Begging to be let out.
But they only stared at me
They only smiled as their eyes grew large and dull,
And within my skull the images depraved me of color,
Of strength.
Too many fingerprints on my window,
I wash them off with my broken paws,
And sleep against the walls,
While they scream my name.
They give me the key from underneath the door,
Only for me to let them in.
The murder of the mind is a curious thing.
Mirror me as I sleep on the floor,
With no clothes at all,
My eyes dry and empty from strain
Press your body against my window so we can feel the same.
Tonight I feel weird, thoroughly. I dreamt of pastel colors inside glass boxes, memories inside the bloodstream, so tiny you couldn't see them, only feel. The night outside is an odd shade of blue, like someone had painted the moon with their fingers. My room is colder than other rooms, something is curling around my lungs. What is this? I see something in the distance even though I'm staring at the closed blinds. Maybe I'm just too tired...
Been listening to this song all night:
