Monday, April 25, 2011

Things take time.

Hello. It's spring <3 This week at the Indie Ink Writing Challenge I was challenged by FlamingNyx
Their prompt for me was:

"Things take time"

I apologize for the rather depressing tone that my entries have had these days, it's just how I'm feeling and it always radiates to my writing. It should be said, though, that I have been very happy for the past few days =)

Things take time

I wake up to the vibration of my phone; the alarm doesn’t even have time to go off before I grab my phone from the desk, unfledged and undecided, staggering in the semi-darkness portrayed by my tired eyes. I’ve gotten used to the emotional anvil that settles upon my ribcage after the early hours of the morning when my dreams become dark and my body goes to defense mode, ready and at the same time not for the day to come. I open my door and find her shoes sprinkled carelessly on the carpet and without going inside her room I know she’s staying home again. The lights hurt my eyes as I wash my face in the sink, too tired to go nag her about how unclean it is. My eyelids are so swollen that if you put a needle in something would have to come seeping out — it’s as though last night’s tears never rolled down my cheeks but shrunk and stayed there instead, soothing away the unwanted things I have seen, the monstrous infidelities of the way my life was supposed to continue, or the way that it, overall, was supposed to start.

I listen in my room while she drags herself to the bathroom, eyes at her ever-sinking bowl, an eternity of disgusting, thick fluid escaping through her teeth staring back at her, starved and angry. She turns the tap on so I don’t hear.  But I wish it were the only sound in my ears, not the steps, not the tap, not the long, sharp fingernails on the plastic, not the same song on repeat from her computer once she lies back down…

The walls comfort me by leaning in as I lay my head against the cold metal headboard of my bed, my insides curling into a slow and agonizing false-death, making me coil up against my blankets and pillows like a snake. They said she needed a lower low-point. They said I wasn’t the parent. They said that I should live, while giving me new meds to help my sleep. They said things like this take time.

I cut myself with a needle, yearning for a knife, the pain giving me more energy than breakfast. It’s all I need to survive another day. They give me no alternative, so I blame it on them, rejoicing in my tiny clamshell of a heart as I watch a part of me seep away.

16 Comments So Far:

  1. Stopping by from Indie. Such raw emotion. Well done!

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  2. This goes beyond a writing challenge, so much emotion and you paint such a graphic picture, even the ugly things are well seen here. Great take on this.

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  3. Lilu, this is so beautiful and horrible at the same time. I'm sad that you have to go through this, but so glad that you are able to express this so vividly.

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  4. i keep saying what a strong writer you are, i love reading your words. hang in there. glad to hear you are having happy days too!

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  5. Thanks guys <3 It really means a lot to me to hear that. Gives me strength.

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  6. i feel like i'm running out of ways to say this to you, but you really are a beautiful writer lilu. content aside - which is intriguing and scary and heartwrenching - your words flow just wonderfully and you put them together masterfully. another challenge well done.

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  7. I have so been here. And I so agree with Alyssa. This is beautifully (and masterfully) done. I'm so glad for the challenge when it brings me places like yours. I'm a fan.

    xoxo,

    Fina

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  8. Lilu - it always breaks my heart to read your work. :( I am sorry you are in such a dark place but am comforted by the fact that your words are a lifeline to you. You string them together so powerfully that they keep you afloat in turbulent times and they connect you to others who care deeply about you. I'm also glad to hear you're having happier days! :)

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  9. Thank you, Karla =) Don't worry, I do write about happier things... My writing is just a projection of my mind, mostly. I can't force things out. ^__^ And yeah, I'm having another happy day today =)

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  10. This is saturated with feeling, so much that; I thought I was experiencing what I was reading. I mean literally!

    Freakishly good!

    I might have a word with Maren and ask that you're kicked off the challenge until you've written a novel (if you haven't already).

    On second thought, NO! Do both! ;-)

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  11. this was incredibly well written, so raw and painful to read because I was so drawn in. I mentioned it on one of my blogs:
    http://sheisbeautifulbecause.blogspot.com

    my writing blog is here:
    http://jennafarelyn.blogspot.com

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  12. Wow. Thank you Jenna <3 I'll make sure to check your blog out =)

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