Monday, October 10, 2011

Monday Madness #8


It seems silly of me to be saying that when it comes to comparison whether it is the things inside my head or the gray, rainy, cooold weather that is making me more depressed, it would most definitely be the latter. That is logical, right? I live in the country infested with SAD (= seasonal affective disorder aka winter blues, yo). It's so dark for so long here I have become used to the fact that people are just... sad, for no reason. So why not me?

I haven't cut in... a week and a half I think. The LIAR on my right wrist has faded but I'm scared it'll scar like that. It, of course, makes me flirt with the idea of cutting over it but hey, I already did that a week ago and did it do anything to the letters? NO. I'll get something from the pharmacy to help it fade away along with some other scars I have, even though they're minor and only I can really see them (unless I have been in the shower or swimming or doing any physical excercise, which makes them stand out all pink and nice going HEY NOTICE ME!).

It makes me ache that I have socially let myself drop into a stereotype. I don't think I've thought of it before until our Biology class last Friday when we were cutting out pieces of onion with scalpels to look at the epidermis layer with a microscope --- one of the girls in my class held the packet of scalpel blades up and said to her lab partner: "Wanna have an emo party?" after which she pretended to be slitting her wrists. I was this close to screaming at her. It was difficult enough for me to have all that in front of me, sharp pieces of glass, packets of scalpels, forceps... *sigh*

I guess it was just simple ignorance. 
But ignorance hurts, people. 

It's like someone tore my heart out and dipped it in boiling water while it was still connected to me so that I felt all of the pain. 

I've done pretty good in the medication front. Which is always improvement when it's me. Meds and me just don't go together. Life is just too damn difficult without having to feel like a pill-popping psycho. (Or knowing this is something that I'll be hooked to for years and years and maybe for life...).

I am seeing my darling in 5 days. Which is major good news and makes me all smiley. But it also means loads of schoolwork and my body isn't that good with the stress and pressure added to the fact a fraction of my teachers (meaning one teacher, but she takes up the space of more than one...) do not appreciate me going so I try and be perfect in everything and it makes me stress more. Go figure. 
So I'm doing some baking to get rid of some stress since I couldn't go to dance class today because I HAD TO DO SCHOOLWORK. Gah. Doesn't matter. I'll bet a prize for all this. I get to spend two and a half weeks with my babydoll =3

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9 Comments So Far:

  1. I'm proud of you about the week and a half!

    I get SAD too. Vitamin D helps a ton.

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  2. Thank you =3 And yep, I'm about to add up on my vitamin D dosage =P Haha.

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  3. A great deal of life is a trade-off. If you deny yourself in one area you gain in another. It seems you realise this and are putting it into action to make it work for you. Good job!

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  4. Lilu - Hello. You sound a little better today. Though still stressed. Don't worry about the scares. I strangely only have scares on one arm - I must have cut harder there than the other side, though it didn't feel that way. They fade. You don't need the added pressure right now. So pleased you're looking forward to something - I do find that helps me a lot.

    As for stereotypes - aren't we all? Stereotypes come from commonalities after all. Just like the girl who did the Emo joke is a stereotypical ignorant lamo. ITs no biggy. In a few years she'll look back and squirm at her behaviour (hopefully) having grown into her own, and you'll be a wonderfully blossoming woman in searching out her niche in the world.

    Growth and time are the real healers of MI in my humble opinion. Though meds are a nec evil too, at times. ;D

    Shah .X

    Oh - If you lurrrve romance check out my guest post by Lucianne Rivers - and the blurb to the three books in her new series! http://wordsinsync.blogspot.com/2011/10/guest-post-by-luciana-rivers-emotional.html

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  5. I used to cut myself as a teenager (luckily I have that side of things under control now) and I was sure the scars would never fade. Now I am 26, and they are still there if you know where to look, but then who looks closely at other people's arms anyway? They only stand out if I get a tan, and I'm not the type to do that on purpose anyway :)

    Not sure if it will be helpful, but I blogged about my memories of bullying at school...
    http://aliciajduffy.blogspot.com/2011/10/bullying-and-how-every-parent-can-help.html

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