You Are At The Archives for September 2011

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Thursday Think Tank #2: Red


Titanium covered, cherry corners
With darkening tips 
We sank, through moments
 Of blinded doubt
Like water dragging across the dashboard

The wind will not blow for us
We are the right made into the wrong
Dwindling fools in silent euphoria,
Tiptoed and heavy in the crimson-spotted



Monday, September 26, 2011

Monday Madness #7

I've got my eye(s) on you.

So I haven't posted much this past week or two. Or done any other kinds of writing. And man, can I tell. My head is such a whirlpool of thoughts that ought to be out of my system already, it is making me physically ill. (It also may have to do with the fact I have yet again forgotten my meds for about a week. I'm sorry, darling, but you simply cannot trust me with that. I can have a million alarms and my body and mind refuse on it...)

While writing this I'm trying to make myself eat some multigrain porridge. Thanks to my lovely father not paying for my tattoo as promised I am kinda sorta broke here and sure, I could go ask for more money from my mother but I know that it's getting tight with her too so I won't. I'll just live on porridge and chamomile tea  (and whatever else I find in here that is vegan) until my Grandpa comes back home. Home. Silly word. Has no echo to me anymore. Just makes me disgusted. Ugh, I don't want to eat this...

I haven't cut since a few days before my birthday, which adds up to almost a month. I have wanted to, been dying to, many times now but have for now avoided it. I don't really trust myself with that anymore. If it hadn't been for my sister suddenly walking in the door yesterday I'd have been disintegrating one of the shaving devices she left behind and getting me some blades. Five of them.

I am trying my best to keep my head together because I am getting out of here in 19 days, after which my days will most probably be filled with happiness and kisses and Disney movies. Just 19 days and I'll be on the plane already. I just need to keep myself from turning against me...

These days, I am one simply odd, traumatized creature. Doorbells make me cry. Thinking of my father makes me want to just slit my wrists already. Any little sound at night has me panicking and my heartbeat speeding up. I'm cold all the time. My stomach seems to hate the feeling of food inside of it. I have more and more moments of complete and utter self-hatred. I talk and cry myself to sleep at night as though talking to myself would soothe me out of the things I want to do to myself. I am never enough. I feel uninvited, even in my own body. I only have a fraction of my clothes and things and everything else is still at my father's soon-to-be-sold apartment. It makes me want to throw up.

I haven't even seen a glimpse of my father since at Monday night and it feels as though he is partly dead. That he only exists in the very few text messages we exchange. When I get my most distrubing and weird moments I get myself thinking that maybe he is dead. Maybe this is someone else because this is not the father I know and love. Not even near him. This is not even a clone.

My pulse speeds up a little each time I see something sharp and shiny, or if I hold a knife or fork or needle. It scares the hell out of me. It doesn't help I broke the knob to the ancient dishwasher Grandpa has and now have to wash everything by hand. Knives included. Before I'd only have to put them in the washer. Not look at them and feel them and wash them.

So I guess I'm a bit like a bird.


Sunday, September 18, 2011

100 Things About Me: #4

I have a thing for French music...
Especially Jena Lee and Lara Fabian =P

I have a thing  for the language in general. I have studied it since high school, which makes about five-ish years now. I'd like to be a lot better at it than I am now, I don't have enough people to talk it with and I get so shy! It's such a beautiful yet difficult language. I have my finals either this spring or next fall, so I'm practising my pronounciation by singing =P Haha. Even though, French when sung is different when spoken... but still =) One remembers things so much better through song.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Six word saturday #6

Talking lawnmowers scare me, especially indoors.



Cobwebs in the corners
Of a book
Forgotten in the dark,

Much later
Came the roaming
And the tidal waves

And a three-walled room
With no windows,

We seek forgiveness
In the unloading trucks
And the recycling bins,

A final punishment
To the words we never said.

Friday, September 16, 2011

I received the iDig Your Blog Award from the lovely Shah =3

from Shah at WordsInSync

iDig Your Blog Award Regulations

1 ) Gratefully accept this award - Done =)
2 ) Link the wonderful person you received it from - Done.
3 ) Post 3 interesting facts about yourself - See below ~_^
4 ) Pass this award around to, at-least, 5 blogs you dig - Yeeep.
5 ) Notify them - When I have time (and internet access)

Thank you Shah =3 

3 interesting facts about me
  • I really love chocolate... but I'm slightly allergic to cocoa beans. I get a rash -___- But I don't care. I love it too much not to eat it or drink hot cocoa (which I'm doing right now, if anyone cares...)
  •  Finnish is my first language but English has become my emotional language
  • I'm a polarbear =D 
Passing the award to:

Alyssa at alyssagoesbang
 Sarah at Sunlight After Rain
Aimee at Shugary Sweets
The Tiny Team at Tiny Green Elephants

Friday, September 9, 2011

Friday Favorite Things #1

I made some vegan Chocolate & Cherry Cake today, mostly from the top of my head, basing the recipe on this. I did lots of changes to it, though. But it is YUMMY. So one of my favorite things is BAKING.

I also am DYYING to see Lilo & Stitch and some other Disney films right now, but due to the current (very bad indeed) family situation I cannot watch those. I wants a fluffy Stitch toy!

I have finally overcome writer's block when it comes to my novel, so I am over the moon about it! I just wish I had more time to work in it. 

And what will always be one of my favorite things... LADY GAGA. Her music is a vital part of my survival kit, and even though it hasn't been part of my life for more than a few years it has many many memories attatched to it <3

The best thing about life these days is my babydoll <3 But I'm not sure if she wants her picture over here =3 I'm seeing heeer iiiin... 38 days?

And of course. My man, Eelis. He is the rainbow to my rain, the rawr to my tiger <3 Haha. Bossy little guy, these days. But I love him to death.

friday favorite things | finding joy

Monday, September 5, 2011

Monday Madness #6

School bathroom wall wisdom + 5 days cut-free

Hello world. Did a swift move to my Grandpa's house yesterday after spending the weekend at my Mom's house. I got a red little Sony video camera for my birthday =3 So I've been filming my little brother a lot. So expect videos! My Mom made me a vegan cake, on top of the many other things that made my birthday a lot better (even though it was a few days late but what the hell...) including my mood about everything. 

I played with my brother as much as I could since he has a magical way of making me smile so much that my cheeks hurt. He's getting into his devilish-child stage, being 2 years old, so he tends to be a bit bossy. But he's still super sweet. He remembers things better than adults, he seems to understand me so well even though he's so little. He would kiss and hug my thigh because of the cuts I have, not pointing at it or crying. I was so scared I would freak him out. But I didn't.

Aaand. Nice. The broadband just crashed and I lost a paragraph. Okay. What did I write? Oh yes. It's been 5 days now since I have last cut. My anti-depressant situation is a bit more stable in the fact that I don't miss them... as much, I still do but I don't go days and days without and then take four times the dose I'm supposed to and mess my head up.  I've set my mind on not cutting anymore. I haven't cut since my 18th birthday. I feel like turning a whole new leaf on my life. Adulthood -- no cutting. And not as good social workers, but oh well.

I remember going to school after the whole incident with my father and finding some writing on the bathroom wall. They're always full of writing and pictures. The staff got the painted white a year ago and not they're all full again. I say don't paint them, it's a part of our history. They had texts from over ten years ago and now they're gone. Anyway, I found this ----->

If you can't make out what it says, it says

"If you wanna burn, remember that I love you
If you wanna cut, remember that I love you,
If you wanna kill yourself, remember that I love you,
 Call me before you're dead, 
We can make some plans instead"

I didn't really find the last sentence that sweet but, yeah. Down to that... it was like a beam of light shining into my eyes. I won't go into a whole mumbling of superstition but, it felt really wonderful feeling awful and wanting to slit my wrists and then walking into the bathroom stall and seeing that on the wall. It's one of the things that's kept me away from blades and needles these days.

Anyway. I have a shitload of work to do for school. And a horrible headache to cure before going to dance class in a few hours. Life feels good today. I am 40 days away from seeing my babydoll and being in her arms. My Mom got full custody over my sister so things are beginning to settle now. She's been happy today and yesterday after Mom told us. So yeah. Happy Monday!

And FYI, I haven't gone 6 days without blogging on purpose, I've been without internet connection!


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