I thought I heard her come up the stairs while I was in the bathroom; I thought I'd heard her stifle a cry into my mother's shoulder, full to the rim of the cello music she's been listening to all evening.
I've been having nightmares all week now. And all week I've been happy. Supposedly. Happier. Whatever. I have nightmares of me and my mother or my sister fighting violently, verbal verging on physical and sometimes it is just plain I-need-to-murder-you-this-minute scrambling and scream fests.
I had this dream in which me and my sister tried to kill each other. Not really kill, I guess, just violate and wound in a somewhat physical manner. Before that it was blurry, translucent, people were changing identities. We were at our old apartment where the train tracks would run adjacent to the building. At one point I was running out of the building, trying to call my mother while my sister was running after me with a knife...
I would certainly appreciate it if when, finally, I'm beginning to be on good terms with my family (excluding one person) my brain would not pop up these frightening fantasies of chaos and death and blood and screaming and just... everything that makes me want to rip my own guts out and force-feed them to myself.
I constantly feel the need to apologize. All the time, every day. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong, that I don't fit this new family-mold that I'm trying to squeeze myself into where I have not one but two neat-freak (step)parents who can at times make me feel like a worthless piece of shit for not rinsing the plates well enough before putting them in the dishwasher.
And then, there is the abuse. By my two-and-a-half-year-old brother. Pinching me and kicking me and hitting me and punching me and biting me. Over over over again again again. He says he's sorry (after bigger or smaller amounts of persuasion) and comes over to cuddle and after fifteen minutes or less does it again and grins mischievously. I know he's a toddler and doesn't mean it. But when you add to it the fact he tells me to GO AWAY! all the time, I feel like I'm traveling through the "Best Of" version of the past five years where this is all that people (adult people, not toddlers, unfortunately) have been doing to me. Abusing, saying sorry, making me forgive them by being sweet, then doing it again and showing me they like it and/or are not really sorry.
Might I add, I'm doing my best to live. I, after all, am the one who chooses to suffer. Yes, people hurt me and I'm not to blame at all for that, but I have the choice whether or not let those things drag me down into big black holes in the ground. I'm looking at new philosophies to live by, I'm meditating, I'm doing relaxation exercises that make me feel like a loopy but do relax me, I'm looking up new music, I made myself get serious about my medication and vitamins (I tend to forget. A lot...), I'm trying my best to get me a few summer jobs...
And you know what...
I miss school.
And that is always a sign of improvement.
So brain, give me better dreams and I'll give you more power-enhancing substances and read more psychology articles. Deal?