Monday, September 3, 2012

Monday Madness #16


Oh the joy of education...

I've been back in school for three days now. And to be frank, I love it. I spent eight or so months out of school due to personal reasons. I've started at a new school here. It is amazing. Seriously. I'm not being sarcastic. I love learning, I love meeting new people, I just love it. I'm studying the Cambridge International's Advanced International Certificate of Education program, which is like the British A-Levels except international. I am planning on finishing in two years, two and a half at the maximum. I am studying English, Psychology, Biology, History, Mathematics and Thinking Skills, along with some languages (French, Spanish, Swedish & Japanese - yes, I'm a language geek) and of course Finnish. I'll also be doing a final exam in most of my language studies, I think.

While it does suck being home, in general, and not being able to be with my fiancée (I asked proposed to her during our last few days together this summer, still need to get our rings ordered but that shall be done once the finances are right). But I most definitely have not let myself get depressed. Sad, occasionally, mostly before bedtime, is acceptable. But it has to be in good proportion to the good things. I had an amazing summer, so I don't want to get depressed over it ending. I'm more than glad that it happened, and happy that it happened. So I have no need to get down in the dumps because I miss my baby. And it should be noted I am glad to be back with my family, I missed them a bunch.

It is a fact that while I was away I was away from most of my problems and once I have returned, they have resurfaced. This is natural. It was overwhelming the first few days but by now I have started to create a filtering system in my mind. If I was able to forget for two months, I can let them stay on the back shelf of my mind until I feel the need to go through those things, maybe with a friend or in therapy. I know that, in a way, I ran away from my problems. But I came back. I am dealing with them, I just went away for extra battery life, so to speak. 

It will take time. I have learned that the hard way. Also, some people will always remain ignorant about some things and you need to accept that. Getting a birthday card from my other, far-away parent naturally evoked curiosity in the other that had its usual negative tone but, I'll let it slide. I got a birthday card. I am loved by both my parents, and I love both of them dearly. Even though the current situation keeps me away from the other, it does not mean this will be the situation in the future. I have hope. But before everything, I need healing. I need to become whole again. I cured a few empty places in me while I was away in the U.S and was covered in love and happiness all the time (sorry if it's mushy, but hey it helped!). 

Over the years, with everything that has happened, my mind has in a way grown a thick chamber around it. I do not let people easy. They'll leave an imprint on the surface but getting in is a whole other thing. In this chamber, though, it echoes. I have conversations with myself, and bad ideas bounce off the walls and resurface time and time again, mostly in situations where they are least wanted. Insecurity is a big problem of mine. I am very self-critical. I suppose my body and mind had over time become accustomed to people always demanding so much of me that, from the get-go of things, they started to make me question myself and "try to be better" in a way. But this better wasn't always a healthy or logical better.

My mental chamber is like a womb with a dozen different mental disorders living in there, just barely living, trying to develop. In the end they stay in balance because they fill my head just perfect. Nobody is burst out. But it doesn't mean I don't feel echoes of these disorders. I'll have what professionals have called psychotic outbreaks while at the same time I'll be fully aware I am hallucinating (which counteracts the whole point of a hallucination because it is part of it to think it is true). I have an eating disorder "creature" waiting to develop in my head and it starts to grow stronger at times, for example when I am doing less exercise than usual or eat more than usual or less healthy. It'll make me do things I regret afterward. But once making the mistake that one time I am usually able to stop myself and put that little creature in my head in check. Others of these mental illness creatures include but are not limited to: my depression voice, the you-are-worth-nothing-please-die voice (which has been quiet since April and I hope it stays this way), the bordering on neurotic voice, my cutting voice (which has surfaced a few times since I've been back but not loud enough for me to act upon it), and my paranoia.

I don't want to sound like a complete lunatic but, that is the most organized way I can describe my mind to you. I believe that mental illness lies in all of us, waiting, and that if you treat it right it'll stay quiet. I want my voices to stay quiet, but at the same time I want to grow strong enough to fight in case some of them decide to show up.

I should be starting psychotherapy this fall. I'll keep you posted on that once it starts. I do hope I'll get some good out of it.

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