Monday Madness #18
The Good Life (?)
I've had a bit of a slow few weeks when it comes to writing anything because I've been really busy with school and dance. And I like it. I've been checking my view-count a few times and well, I'm not really sure who actually reads me. I've been considering switching over to WordPress. Not so sure. They have lots of more cool templates for WordPress too. Blah, I'm tempted.
In the past month or so I've found a new sort of person within myself. A strong person, and not the kind of strong that's become strong because of forceful circumstances, but naturally strong-willed and ambitious, someone who knows what she's doing and doesn't have a reason to worry. I never depicted myself as a leader but it's a sort of position I've taken in my new academic environment. People come to me for advice a lot, on homework or just school-related things. They call me the brightest of the class, and it's the first time I can feel that it's said to me as a compliment. And it feels funny.
I find that I am able to set goals and reach them, to challenge myself just enough, to be able to rise back up when I fall. I don't know where all this is coming from. Part of me is blaming it on the meds that have been amped up a bit. But to be frank, all this started before that happened. Maybe it is just... me? Maybe it's really happening, this sort of get-it-all-together moment and this inner emancipation and focus. I can feel it within me that I'm learning things, that my mind is broadening, that I'm evolving. I don't have the words to describe it - it's good and bad.
Not only have I been getting good results in school, but I'm also evolving physically. I'm gaining more strength through the extensive training I've been doing this fall. I swear I've gained a few pounds in muscle. I'm hungry all the time, so I eat a lot. My brain and body spend a lot of energy every day I guess. I've found new muscles in my body that have started to pleasantly ache after a workout. My ankles are stronger, my pointe is getting better, my flexibility has gotten at least 50 % better from the summer... What the hell is happening?
It's all over-whelming because it's this whirlwind inside me. It hasn't been all hugs and smiles this fall either. I've stuck back to old habits, I've had my fair share of panic attacks and mood swings, I've been really really angry. But in the end, I get back up. This hasn't happened before. If I'm hurt, I let it come and then go when it wants to. Sometimes it stays longer but it's okay. I'm just not used to this... okay-ness. Just like this summer when I was in the States with my fiancée all the time I was so happy it was overwhelming and my body was attacking itself for being happy because it didn't know how...
It's the same kind of feeling, just a different shade, so to speak.
On the whole mental-health front, I've been trying to work my way to a psychotherapist, preferably a cognitive trauma therapist. But maaaan, I will not even start. It's been a hell of a pain to in the first place find someone who takes new patients, and then to go to your first appointment somewhere to find out that there is not only one but up to three (or as I found out at my last doctor's appointment, five) sessions that are non-government-funded that will determine whether or not they can even treat me. 85 euros per session. I am not paying that. It's not even in my budget! I went to my psychiatrist (who, even though a man, reminds me of an eighty-year-old woman by his voice) and they analyzed me with my nurse as being paranoid of therapists taking advantage of my situation and going on and on about how in my case it is protocol that they increase dosage on antidepressants. The guy seemed certain that I'm in the pit of clinical depression, asking in a baby-voice if I've been "able to" function normally. I just wanted to shove his shoe down his throat. Had he not discussed my case with the nurse at all? I had just a few weeks back told her on two occasions of how things have gotten better...
So I'm stuck with 20 mg escitalopram (5 mg more now) in the morning and 15 mg mirtazapine at night. I guess it's tolerable. I just feel like a pill-popper taking those and all of my vitamins every day.